Why Do I Sacrifice My Hard Work?

205.4

I really haven't felt like writing in this journal. For some reason my lack of progress has been getting me down. Stagnation, immobility, status quo...
I know my lack of progress is due to me not being consistent with adhering to the WW program, I track sometimes, I eat within my points somedays, I get my water in *most* days (but not all days), I get my exercise in somedays etc...
I know if I were consistent, if I rocked the plan everyday, I would see success on the scale.
When I do rock the plan, I am very successful (1 or 2 lbs!!!) I guess I have to give myself kudos for getting back up time and time again. I continue going to the gym, I continue going to WW meetings... perhaps one day it will stick!

But why do I fail to do the plan?
I get bored, lazy, blinded by the success of going down a pound?
each time I go down a pound, I get really excited, and instead of continuing on with my good progress I fall back into the 'wow look how hard I worked and how great it feels... I need a reward!, look yummy food'
I need to replace this with:

"Do I want to sacrifice my hard work, the time I spent, the time I spent not focusing on Bridge, sacrifice my goals, my future thin/ healthy self... for this cookie? or this treat?"

I wish I could weigh in on Wednesdays. I *think* it would be good for me, There is a meeting tonight (Wednesday) at 7pm... I love my Saturday meeting leader = Wendy, but perhaps I need to go more often? 

No, honestly I think the Saturday is fine, what I need is to spend the time making home made food to bring for lunches and home made food for dinners.

Tonight I will: 

- make soup 

- fold laundry

- clean up the house

I'd better stop being so introspective, stop staring at my bellybutton and get this day started. 

Work the plan today!!! Good luck

Am I willing to give up my goals for a snack?

205.0

Am I willing to give up being thin and healthy for this treat? or
Am I willing to give up my goals and fitting into my skin for this unhealthy food item?

Future reward discounting drops off when I think about the reward first.
Helps resist the urges of immediate gratification, whatever the temptation by believing the long term goal is already mine
am I willing to give that longer term goal up for immediate gratification?

Frame the statement like this, think about the reward (being thin and healthy and meeting my goals) then think about the temptation... you are less likely to give in.

Am I willing to give up on my goals for this? NO... NO ... NO


Yes, I am still listening to the Willpower instinct, I think it helps me start my day on a positive note, puts my brain into the "I can do this" mode! Thank goodness I have an arsenal of 'self help' audio to listen to, like video blogs, podcasts, audio books etc... once The Willpower instinct is over, Im not sure what I will do :) I like this one, it resonates with me.

Yesterday was pretty good, I think I must have eaten something salty (e.g. the turkey bites), because I really think I am retaining water today. I guess I will have to flush it out by drinking more water today.

For some reason the fitbit isn't recording my sleep... I wonder what I am doing wrong???
grrrr

Friday night is my work Christmas Party, I'm kind of nervous, since I have to weigh in on Saturday morning... But I have to remember what I wrote at the top of this post
"Am I willing to give up the results I will see at the scale this week (cause I have been great at sticking to the plan, and I KNOW I will see a good number on the scale) am I willing to give that feeling of meeting my goals, for a not so healthy dinner?"
No,
My Friday night my strategy will be
- to eat some fruit before I go to the party,
- drink some sparkling water with lime (no alcohol),
- no hors d'oeuvres,

I will eat the main meal, and for a treat, I will have the desert, only if it is: creme brule, cheese cake or something chocolately.... if it is anything else do not have it.
I will also get up and move a bit... I wont commit to dancing, but I will move more!

Am I willing to give up my goals for some not so tasty hors d'oeuvres? or a not so yummy desert?
NO!!!
I can do it.

Today I commit to:

1) eating oatmeal for breakfast

2) writing down all my food intake  - even if I go over

3) drinking 2L of water

4) going to the gym - and staying for cardio after my PT session.

5) forgiving myself

6) a walk at lunch

False Hope Syndrome

204.4

This is Me!!! False Hope Syndrome.
Chapter 6 of the Willpower Instinct = "What the Hell: how feeling bad leads to giving in"

I am using "the promise of change" (the feel good rush from DECIDING to change after a set back), to make me feel better about my failures. "The decision to change is the ultimate gratification" - you get all the good feelings before anything has actually been done, before the hard work and time necessary to reach your goals.

As we face our initial setbacks the feel good feelings from deciding to change are replaced with disappointment and frustration. Failing to meet our expectations triggers guilt, depression and self doubt, and the emotional pay off from vowing to change is gone. Most people then abandon their efforts... then have a slip up... then vow to change ... starting the cycle all over again. This is called "False Hope Syndrome" a phrase coined by researchers Polivy and Herman.

My overconfidence in my abilities, including gaining control and optimism based on the belief that losing weight is easy and fast... perhaps I think this because I have done it before, that if I could do it then it must have been easy.

Losing weight is not easy, nor is it fast. Losing weight takes time, hard work and dedication.
to see real weight loss results, we are looking at

e.g. 

Time = One Year

Hard work = meal planning, meal preparation, gym workouts, cardio, behaviour modification, changing my routines, changing my habits, be aware of my actions, writing down what I eat, not being impulsive about food decisions, getting enough sleep each night, reducing stress, being mindful, going to weight watcher meetings, realizing the reward of reaching my goals, forgiving myself for slip ups, drinking my water... etc... these are all the pieces of the hard work necessary to get the job done.

Dedication = doing over and over and over again, until it sticks and I make a lifetime commitment to healthy living each and every day for the rest of my life

Solution:
1) Forgive myself, and "Move Forward" - guilt and feeling bad does not help, it actually hinders
2) Accurately assess the situation - track my food intake, track my emotional responses (via blog)
3) Set realistic goals, understand the hurdles and  difficulty of change.
4) Set myself up for success - control my environment, have treats that I can eat on hand, change my habits
5) Imagine and practice situations where I am likely to give into temptation - formulate plans to deal with these situations.

All or nothing does not work

Today I commit to:
1) writing it down - tracking all my food intake
2) getting out at lunch for a walk - 3Km
3) drinking my water - 2L
4) Oatmeal for breakfast - DONE!!!
5) Forgive myself for past mistakes - MOVE FORWARD
6) 7 hours sleep - DONE!!! (well, 6 hours and 57 minutes)

What-the-hell effect

205.0 Lbs

Yesterday I hit 10,000+ steps !!! Yay!!!

There is seriously something called the What-The-Hell effect...
There are hundreds of web entries, just Google What the Hell effect..

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/diet-is-4-letter-word/201302/restrictive-dieting-and-the-good-ole-what-the-hell-effect

I can totally believe this, I have experienced it, heck, I've even said those words "What the Hell".

Forgiveness is key.

I really think my Move Forward mantra is right for me at this moment. I have to learn to forgive myself for my inevitable slip ups, to move past my mistakes, think about them, understand why I may have slipped up and MOVE FORWARD.

Yesterday was an ok day on plan (I ate well AND I got my steps in), except the chocolate bar I ate in the parking lot of the grocery store... I don't even know why I did it. I can remember feeling like I was starving last night, even immediately after I ate my dinner. I felt a soreness in my stomach. Then later, when I was at the grocery store, I was doing pretty well... then I went down the aisle of candy, I know I should avoid it, and I was done.

I will forgive myself, and try and recognize this feeling again. 

Today will be good, I have the gym tonight.

I am feeling quite a bit of stress right now, at work, at home, because of Christmas, because of schedules, because of deadlines and because of commitments I am avoiding. I guess I should just use the time I have and complete the projects one at a time...

I will take time out today to have a walk at lunch, I think I will need it.

Cancer Sucks

Just found out that my dad has colon cancer...
I hope he will be ok, since he fought and won the battle with his non-Hodgkin lymphoma, I know he can mentally do it!!!
Why does it keep coming back?
He is a great person, and a great dad, I love him very much.

Do I really want the consequences of always putting this off?

(205.4)

This week I am going to commit to:

1. Write it down - track my food intake, even if it is over my daily points allowance. the key to change is Self awareness!
2. Drink water - drink my 2 L of water per day (minimum)
3. Oatmeal for breakfast - Monday through Friday eat oatmeal for breakfast
4. Exercise 2 times this week at lunch (minimum)
5. Exercise 2 times per week at the gym 
6. Practice forgiving myself and moving forward - use my mantra "Move Forward"
7. 7+ hours of sleep per night

Many of these things I am already a superstar at doing :) like drinking my water, exercising 2x per week at the gym, and minimum 7 hours of sleep per night... so that leaves 4 items I am really going to focus on doing. I truly believe these are the keys to winning at weight loss... writing it down, exercising a bit more and forgiving myself for slip ups, I am not perfect.

So, I've been listening to The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal, wow is this book ever life changing... and easy to listen to. Chapter 4 has been mind blowing for me. Last week I alluded to the impact that chapter 4 had on my psyche... I will dive a bit deeper here

Chapter 4: License to Sin–Why Being Good Gives Us Permission to Be Bad
I feel I need to be rewarded for my 'good behaviour' if I say no to a tim bit at my morning meeting, I feel it is ok to go out for wings at lunch. This would also make me feel like I was a good person, assigning good and bad to these behaviours and letting that dictate my feelings of self worth.
This chapter is worth listening to again.

Focus on my goals.
Pay attention.

Am I saying to myself I will make up for today's behaviour tomorrow?
Willpower experiment: "A tomorrow just like today"
Aim to reduce the variability in my behaviour, not the behaviour itself.
each day, say to myself, if I eat this bagel for breakfast, I commit to eating a bagel tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that. This makes it harder to deny the health consequences of a single bagel (8 weight watcher points!!! that is 48 points if I have one 6x per week).

Instead of asking, do I want to eat this treat (e.g. granola bar) now, ask myself :

"Do I want the consequences of eating a treat everyday after work for the next year?"

on procrastinating on my goals:

"Do I really want the consequences of always putting this off?"

Whoa, as I said.... Life Changing
I often think, if I had started doing the plan, really started the plan when I joined... I would probably be at my goal weight, or even if I only started 2 months ago, I would be down 10-15 lbs!!!
So do I want to be here in the same place this time next month? do I want to be asking myself  'why cant I do it?'

Why don't I want to change? perhaps the key is in the next chapter... why we mistake wanting for happiness :)

Chapter 5:The Brain’s Big Lie–Why We Mistake Wanting for Happiness.  

Move More Eat Well Jumpstart 2014

I just signed up for a workshop called Move More Eat Well Jumpstart.
Yippee, it sounds like it's going to be FUN!
Combines 2 of my favourite past times: Memory keeping and Healthy Living.
I get to take photos of me exercising and eating :)
Should be a fun project, kinda like week in the life, but different. More about my goals and figuring out my WHY.
OK, if I have any hope of getting 6 & 1/2 hours sleep I have to go now...
Unfortunately my daily goal of getting 7 hours of sleep will not happen tonight :( gotta wake up tomorrow morning at 6am to drive Bridget to Brownie camp.

Good Night

Time perspective

Yesterday was the BOMB!!!
I was awesome all day!!!
I ate well, I exercised like a fiend (skating, PT & cardio!!!) and I hit all my goals. (water, sleep, exercise, writing down my food)

that deserves a GOLD STAR for the day!!!


the one important thing I did NOT do was spend time with Bridget. I spent about 15 minutes with her to be exact, this means that yesterday I was the fifteen minute mom... not good.

It also made me realize, the longer I put off achieving my goals, the more I am wasting my time away from my daughter. Do I really want to sacrifice time with Bridget for making myself healthier? the answer is YES, but  I need to make sure I am not wasting that time.
By wasting I mean, if I am going to be the fifteen minute a day mom on occasion, I have to make sure that it is worth it, I don't want to go and eat those calories that I am burning at the gym. Because I go to the gym, does not give me license to eat what I want on those days.
This is critical, since if I do this, then I waste the time I took away from spending time with Bridget.
It is the same argument that I made about the cupcake, and spending the 50$ on personal training.
Why do I sabotage my efforts?
This time thing... being the fifteen minute a day mom... this hits below the belt (so to speak).
Wasting this time is NOT worth it.
So, I killed it at the gym yesterday, time I did not spend with Bridget, So I'm going to make it count, I am not going to eat poorly. Today and this weekend I am going to make good choices, healthy choices, choices that make the time I spend away from Bridget WORTH IT.

Skating

How fun was that???
skating in the middle of the day :)
I had so much fun.
It was pretty tough, my shins are killing me... but I think I went around about 10 times
one of which I did not stop!!!
by the end of the season I will be much better
Funny aside: I had 3 different people try and give me pointers... I guess I look like I need a lot of help :)

Move Forward

(205.4)
I wish I had a lower number to write, but I don't.
Maintaining my focus on eating well is really really hard.
I guess if it were easy everyone would be doing it :) there wouldn't be any overweight people in the world.

I did make one small change this morning and it wasn't so bad.
I only had ONE sweetener in my coffee. Yay me!!!
And you know what, after about the 3rd sip, I didn't even notice.
I think this is an important step for me, helping me lessen the effect of my sweet tooth.
I am a total sugar addict, this is my biggest weight loss hurdle.
One step at a time, it will happen but not overnight. I have to work at this everyday, making small changes, they add up!

I have a great day full of moving planned.
At lunch, I am going skating, isn't his cool!?!?!? A group of people from work go skating on Thursdays at lunch.  Pretty amazing!!!
And as usual, on Thursday nights, I have the gym... 60 minutes with my Personal Trainer, we are doing a strength phase (heavy weights) and then I stick around and do 35 minutes on one of the cardio machines.
I am guaranteed to hit my get moving target today!!! Fitbit be ready for green across the board!


Even if I am not losing weight at a pace that I want, this move more plan is really helping keep me mentally fit... as the days get dark and dreary, it is easy to fall into a dark mood... I feel quite happy and cheerful right now. Yay!!!
I just have to get working on my weight loss, I can do it!!! I just have to avoid temptation, by removing these 'unhealthy' items from my environment. (get rid of the girl guide cookies TONIGHT!)
I know exactly why I am not losing weight, all the treats, sneaking chocolate bars from Bridget's Halloween candy bag, sneaking girl guide cookie, sneaking ice cream bars (even if they are skinny cow) having 5 of them in a row is not good.

Today I will eat healthy, at work I am covered, but I will eat healthy between picking Bridget up from after school care and going to the gym, and then when I get home from the gym. I will have a peach for a snack prior to the gym. and when I return from the gym at 8:45 I think I will have a protein smoothie for dinner!

I am thinking of signing up for a scrapbooking (aka memory keeping) workshop called: Move More, Eat Well Jumpstart - 31 days to a happier, healthier you. http://www.bigpictureclasses.com/mmew-jumpstart.php
it sounds like a really fun project, and will help me clarify and focus on my WHY.
it's not expensive, it is the time, but I guess not much happens in January :)

Have a super day, stay focused on the plan, eat well and forgive yourself for your past mistakes. Move Forward
(I think I found my new mantra)

Move Forward

Move Forward

Move Forward

Move Forward

that was FANTASTIC

I just went for a walk on my lunch, wow I feel freaking FANTASTIC.
It is rather brisk outside, hovering around  zero with a pretty fierce wind.
But I was trucking, I walked 3Kms (out to the woods and back)
it took me approximately 40 mins, from when I left my desk to returning. Not bad.

My move more (aka what you can when you can) experiment is working.
Tomorrow at lunch I am joining a group from work to go skating over at the community centre. How cool is that???
little by little this will make a huge difference in helping me work towards my goals, make me feel more energized and help make me ache less!!! Yippeeeee

Mind games

I can have it, but I don't want it.

This is my new mantra.

I can have the treat, but I don't want it.
I can have the chips, but I don't want it.
I can have the doughnut, but I don't want it.
I can have the cake, but I don't want it.
I can have the chocolate, but I don't want it.
I can have the ice cream, but I don't want it.


Similar to my old mantra from 2005, when I was successful at losing 50+ lbs...
which was:
"I choose to eat healthy, I choose not to have the chocolate, chips etc..."

it is always a choice.
What do you want more?
immediate gratification and a chocolate?
or
long term accomplishment, the feeling of success, and feeling comfortable in my own skin again.

Guilt is a very powerful emotion

According to Wikipedia:

Guilt (emotion) is an emotion that occurs when a person believes that they have violated a moral standard that they themselves believe in.


Whoa,  crazy introspection...
I suffer from almost continuous guilt.
guilt over speeding or driving too aggressively,
guilt over not being 100% productive at work,
guilt over not being there for the small things in my daughter's life (like volunteering in her class),
guilt over not spending all my free time with Bridget,
guilt over going to the gym and not reading her bedtime stories,
guilt over not reading her bedtime stories when I am there, but too tired to read to her,
guilt over not being the perfect role model for my daughter,
guilt over being narcissistic and self centered in my teens and 20's,

guilt over things I said to people 15-20 years ago,

guilt over bothering people (e.g. this lady got mad at me at my WW meeting for talking after the meeting with another member, I felt awful all weekend),

guilt over spending money on frivolous items (e.g. buying a new song from iTunes or new workout shirts that I don't need),

guilt over being wasteful,

guilt over throwing out veggies that have gone bad in my fridge,

guilt over not eating a perfectly clean diet,

guilt over eating packaged food,

guilt over drinking diet cola,
guilt over eating a cookie or 'treat',
guilt over eating Activia yogurt, when I should be eating Greek yogurt with no sugars etc...

guilt over not being "perfect"

I know in the back of my head no one is perfect, but I feel like I should be for some reason... that it is  OK for others not to be perfect, but I should be perfect, that for some reason I should know better ...

Why is this?
Why can't I be happy that I have made an improvement over yesterday?
Why am I more forgiving with others than I am with myself?
Why can't I be more gentle on my soul?

Why do I think I am such a bad person for not being perfect?
Why do I beat myself up every night for things I said to people when I was at University??? (note I graduated in 1995) - I had a nightmare last night about this.

no one cares except me, why do I care so much that I am not perfect?

so far so good

I weighed myself this morning, and I am not going to record it, since it really has no reflection on what I am going to do today!!!

Today I am going to ROCK the program, do the plan!!!

so far so good... it is noon, and I have
1. had some water
2. eaten a healthy breakfast
3. tracked all my food
4. planned my dinner
5. am currently eating a healthy homemade soup (chicken thai soup)
6. I'm going to the gym tonight and I will stay to do cardio
What more can a girl ask for? this is what it feels like to stay on program, to do the plan successfully.

I have to keep in mind that this is not that hard.
eat it? = write it down
stay mostly within my points
if I go over, look for ways to increase my exercise.

keep up the good work.
I know daytime is easy for you... it is the time frame of 5:30-7pm that is difficult.
what can I do to make this easier to get through?
plan a healthy and tasty snack for when I get home

tonight I will have an apple when I get home, and hope that solves my problem.
perhaps I can buy some WW 2pt bars, and have my treat when I get home.
It might work... need to investigate further

You can do it, I know you can!!!

CATS

Livingstone just had the most wonderful playful kitten moment. I love it when he reverts to kitten mode (he is 9 years old), and on occasion will toss a toy around just like the 2 wee ones. It makes my heart fill with joy, since I worry about losing him too (his brother Stanley died in August 2011). 9 isn't old, but if it could happen to my Stanley it could just as easily happen to Livingstone. I think I have to worry more about Banzai (he is extremely overweight) or Minion, she is so curious that she regularly gets herself into dangerous situations (like when she was attached to the laundry basket for hours and I had to cut the bag off her and carefully cut the tangled hair from the straps... very stressful for all of us)

here are some photos from today:

Livingstone

Minion

Banzai

Three cats 'playing' not so nicely together

food photography ROCKS

I can tell you that photographing your food makes it that much more delicious.
I just made a snack... look how yummy it looks, and it seriously tastes yummy too.
FYI this is a Honey Crisp apple, totally worth the extra cost (@2.99 a lb, they are very expen$$ive)

wasted weekend

This past weekend was not the weekend I had hoped.
Luckily I can hit the reset button any time I like, and I chose to do it today, right now.

RESET

I want to share an amazing soup I made yesterday, I make it often, but each time is slightly different, since I also call it clean out the fridge soup, ... it is always tasty.
This batch is particularly tasty, I will share the recipe.

I call it Sopa de Lima (aka Yucatan Lime Soup)
servings = 8-10 (approximately 2 cups per serving)

Ingredients:
Spanish Onion
Olive Oil - 1 Tsp
3x cartons of low salt chicken stock
1 bag of broccoli slaw (or carrot slaw)
2x medium sized zucchini - chopped into small bits
1/2 cauliflower - chopped into small bits in the manual food processor
1x red pepper - chopped into small bits
2x cans of fire roasted tomatoes (these make the soup really tasty)
1 x can of corn

grocery store BBQ chicken - 2 breasts & 1 leg - torn into small bits

cilantro - approx 1/2 a bunch - chopped into small bits
2 x large limes - squeezed



Directions:
start with Olive Oil in the bottom of the stock pot,
heat setting = high
chop up onions and brown in pot
pour in 3x boxes of low salt chicken stock
put all veggies into stock
put chicken into stock
put cilantro and limes into stock (put in up to 3 limes)

bring to a boil, then reduce heat to simmer.
approximately 20 minutes until veggies are tender (e.g. specifically the cauliflower and broccoli)

Freeze or enjoy!

so it has been a while...

Thursday November 7th, 2013
205.1 Lbs

I guess I haven't been here for a bit.
I guess I felt this (journaling my lack of progress) just wasn't working or helping my journey at all.
I would be wrong.
Any tool that I can use to help me figure out why I relapse is good.
Why do I self sabotage? is it because I am content? is it because I don't think I want it badly enough? is it because I don't think I need it enough? Do I need to find out I have diabetes or something seriously wrong with me to actually make progress on my weight loss? what is my problem? what is my WHY? WHY do I need to do this? WHY do I want to do this?

In my head I am thinner than I actually am

This is what I think I look like: (note: these photos are not from me at my smallest (142lbs), these are more like me at 160 - 170lbs)

This is what I really look like: (these are from April, August and October of 2013, when I weighed 205-212 Lbs)

There....
The truth hurts don't it!
My smile is the same :) and I'm a bit older... but I am seriously bigger, like 45 lbs bigger... This just goes to show me... even if I don't get to my idea weight, even if I just dropped to 160 or 170, I would look wayyyyy better :)
Perhaps it is easier if I only have to lose 30 lbs instead of 60 Lbs...
perhaps that is what I need, to get started... to lose the first 5lbs, and then the next etc... it all adds up

Operation Goal = 199.9 commences right now.
I am going to commit to losing 5 Lbs just so I can get below 200, then I will see about the rest. I would like to get below 200 by November 23rd.
So

I will weigh 199.9 by November 23, 2013

Now, I just have to go do it!